letting go

I'm back in the US.
I thought I would be more consistent in keeping up with my posts, but as it turns out (and not surprisingly), I don't spend much time on the computer when I have the chance to spend that time with my family.

I decided to write this post when my plane was about to take off from Istanbul.
At first, I could see the airport from a distance but everything was static as we were waiting for the permission to take off.
Then, the plane started speeding and the engine started making a very loud noise, as planes always do before they take off.
We started to speed along the airstrip and inside me, I could feel the friction between the tires and the ground lessening with each second that passed.
It's always a strange feeling for me when the front tires of the plane leaves the ground but the back two are still touching it. It's a mix of feeling liberated and also a little nervous.
When the take off is from Istanbul, there's always another component, which is the feeling of leaving home, my mom, my dad, Baskan (my dog who's like my little brother), my little cousin, and everyone else.
This time, I took off to come to Philly for the final time as this is my last semester in college. There's a lot of uncertainty awaiting me regarding where I'll be in four months, what I'll be doing and so on, but that uncertainty brings with it a sense of excitement and hope, and the feeling that I can shape it in whatever shape, form, and color I want.
Not until long ago, I used to detest uncertainty. But I've realized that being surrounded by a bunch of people who seem to think they know for sure what they want to be and what they want to do and where they want to do it and how and with whom they want to do it with can have that effect on you. After all, we live in a society where titles define people, where people define themselves by the titles, where there are expectations and norms about what one should do at what age, and outliers are rare.
Thankfully, I have awakened from a mind-numbing, self deprecating sleep. Uncertainty doesn't depress, but instead excites and scares me. But it's good scary. Sort of like the feeling of exploring a new city when there is so much to see and learn, and the mere existence possibilities and the greatness of the city both scares and excites you.

So when the front tires of my plane took off, I could feel my heart creating a counter force in the opposite direction, trying to hold on to all the people who make home, home. But on the other hand, the force going forward and up was stronger, drawing me towards a new semester, a step closer to the end of what will be a four year journey, and the beginning of a very long, exciting, (for now) uncertain one.
And we took off and flew away as I watched the buildings get smaller and smaller until all I could see were a bed of white, fluffy clouds.